The Road to Rauros
by Seth Connelly
Summary: The sequel to "The Inn." After one heck of a rough night, the Fellowship sets off once again on their journey, only to find that it has taken a turn for the worse.
1. On the Road Again

The Road to Rauros  
  
  
  
Chapter One: On the Road Again  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Talis.  
  
  
  
Author's notes: This is the sequel to my story, "The Inn." If you haven't read that, then you should read it before this, since this takes place right where the last one leaves off. I'm feeling sappy I'll add a love scene or two. I'll be sure to alert you when one's coming up so you can skip over it if you wish. =D And one last thing: I didn't say this at first, but my story takes place right after the Company leaves Lothlorien, and they just happen to find a town close to the Anduin where the inn was. Just clearing that up. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
Legolas glanced back over his shoulder, wondering where his companion had gone. Talis, who was carrying thrice the amount of luggage as usual, was lagging behind about twenty yards. He stopped and jogged to her, and as he got nearer, she collapsed to her knees and unstrapped the heavy pack.  
  
  
  
"I cannot go on," she murmured, panting. Her face was red from exhaustion, and her arms were pale due to the pressure of the pack on her shoulders. Presently, the rest of the group realized two of them were missing, so they returned to them.  
  
  
  
"Aww, I think Talis needs a hug," Ruby said as she kneeled down to do so.  
  
  
  
"Don't touch me," Talis growled.  
  
  
  
Ruby pouted and stood up again. Her sanity was slowly returning—emphasis on "slowly." It had been three days since the incident at the inn, and she was still not quite herself.  
  
  
  
Though Aragorn had little pity for Talis--and even less for Ruby- -he decided they should come to a halt for a while.  
  
  
  
Talis laid her cloak on the ground and flopped onto her back, and instantly she fell into a deep slumber. Legolas ventured away from the group to find a place to fill their half-empty canteens. As he searched, he heard the faint sound of quiet footsteps less than a few yards away. With his keen eyes he saw three men clad in green sneaking about. He was amazed at how silent they moved, almost motionless in the shadows of the forest. One of them stepped out from the cover of the trees. Strangely, he reminded Legolas of Boromir's perkiness in the mornings.  
  
  
  
"Ahoy there, matey!" the man said cheerily. Moments after, his two companions appeared on either side of him.  
  
  
  
"Lord Faramir, please, do not stray far from us!" one said, distressed.  
  
  
  
"Don't call me that silly name. I am Hernando, and breathing is fun!" Now, what's Faramir doing here, you ask? Beats the crap out of me. I was running out of ideas.  
  
  
  
Baffled, Legolas said, "Who are you?"  
  
  
  
"I am Mablung, my dear Elf. Before I may answer your inquiry, you must answer mine. Who are you, and what are your intentions here?"  
  
  
  
"Who. Does. Number. Two. Work. For?!" Faramir grabbed Legolas by the shoulders and shook him.  
  
  
  
Mablung restrained the crazed man and Legolas spoke. "I am Legolas of Mirkwood. My purpose is only to travel through this land with a few companions."  
  
  
  
The other man nodded. "I am Damrod. We are Men of Gondor, on a mission to find a steward's son."  
  
  
  
"Yeah, pops and the homies back in the 'hood are missin' him," said Faramir. "Have ya seen mah brotha'?"  
  
  
  
Before answering, Legolas looked at Damrod. "Head wound?"  
  
  
  
They both nodded solemnly. "I recognized his strange behavior, for one of my comrades has suffered a similar fate," explain Legolas.  
  
  
  
"A large sapling fell on his head during the night," said Mablung.  
  
  
  
"Yes. Tragic it was, indeed. I blame it on the squirrels!" Faramir sighed dramatically.  
  
  
  
"You must be weary. Come, and I will take you to my company." The three men followed Legolas through the trees and into the small clearing where the others rested.  
  
  
  
"It took you long enough," Sam snarled, his nerves frayed from Ruby's mindless babble, and his weariness getting the better of him. "Did you"—he stopped short as he saw the three Men.  
  
  
  
"Brother!" Boromir gasped.  
  
  
  
"'Ey there, buddy boy! My, you've gained some weight!"  
  
  
  
"He has eaten far too many guinea pigs and pieces of cheesecake," Ruby said with a nod.  
  
  
  
"Faramir, what has gotten"—he saw Legolas tapping his head with his fist, and immediately he got the point.  
  
  
  
"Halflings!" cried Faramir, running to the hobbits. He gathered them up in a big group hug.  
  
  
  
"Yay! Huggleses!" giggled Ruby.  
  
  
  
"Aww! Don't you just wanna hug 'em?!" asked Faramir, turning to Mablung and Damrod.  
  
  
  
They smacked their foreheads in frustration.  
  
  
  
Faramir blinked and stared off into space for a moment, as though he was actually thinking. Suddenly, he cried out, "The fire department says there are too many people in this forest! In case of an emergency, not all of us would be able to escape safely!" He pointed at Mablung and Damrod. "You two will have to leave at once."  
  
  
  
"What?" they both asked, confused.  
  
  
  
"Didn't you hear me? I thought I told you not to shave your legs in the shower!"  
  
  
  
Any further comments were ignored by the sane ones.  
  
  
  
It was finally time for the group to move on. Faramir and his companions decided to tag along, having nothing better to do with their meaningless existence. Faramir and Ruby chattered to one another about how many times they had been jipped at Taco Bell and not gotten items they ordered.  
  
  
  
"This one time I asked for a frozen bowl of pickle juice, and they just gave me a chili cheese burito. I mean, how stupid can you get?" Faramir babbled.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, I know. I remember when I ordered a male prostitute, and they gave me one of their kids' meal toys."  
  
  
  
Frodo walked in silence, grinding his teeth in annoyance at the two idiots walking behind him. Legolas let out a long, heavy sigh, and shouted to Aragorn. "How far is it to Rauros?"  
  
  
  
"If we still had our boats from Lothlorien, we would have been there yesterday. But since Ruby just HAD to figure out which rock would make the biggest hole in Lorien wood, we will not get there for another two or three days," Aragorn replied, growling under his breath as he walked.  
  
  
  
Talis, who walked alongside Legolas, whimpered.  
  
  
  
By the late afternoon it was time for another rest.  
  
  
  
"Flaaaame," Gimli said, shivering.  
  
  
  
"No. We cannot risk it," said Boromir.  
  
  
  
"We can't smoke anything?" asked Faramir as he plucked some blades of grass from the ground.  
  
  
  
"The Enemy can see even the smallest sign of our location," Boromir replied.  
  
  
  
Faramir stopped wrapping the grass in a leaf. "Aww.. Can I sing a song?"  
  
  
  
Boromir, thinking it was one of the songs their father had taught them in their youth, agreed. He soon regretted it as Faramir took out an accordion and started playing.  
  
  
  
"Ohh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al. And he lived in the sewer with his hamster pal. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve. So he packed up his accordion and headed to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree, and he worked in a nasal decongestant factory," Faramir continued his happy little song to the great aggravation of the others.  
  
  
  
Hee. Heads up. We have ourselves a mush scene.  
  
  
  
When Faramir finally shut up and everyone settled down to sleep, Talis and Legolas started their watch for the night. After almost an hour of silence, Legolas foolishly decided to try and start a conversation. "So.. umm…"  
  
  
  
Talis blinked, since she had almost fallen asleep, and looked at him. "What?"  
  
  
  
Legolas heard someone whispering practically in his ear. "Move closer to her, she's cold." So he scooched himself a bit closer to Talis.  
  
  
  
She was too tired to notice and decided to start rambling about nothing really in particular. "Uh, I just wanted to thank you for protecting me from Aragorn, and aiding me with this burden. You do not particularly have to help me, since it's my punishment."  
  
  
  
"You are welcome, my friend," Legolas said. He heard another whisper saying: "Kiss her, stupid!" He blinked, hesitating. Why was he listening to the voice? Was it in his head, or real? …What would he look like as a lobster?  
  
  
  
"This may be your only chance! Kiss her!" the voice whispered harshly. "Erm," He leaned over, thinking he could give her a peck on the cheek. She turned to him since she thought he was going to say something, and so he scored one on the lips.  
  
  
  
Ruby and Faramir burst out laughing. They had been hiding in the bushes the entire time, and it was Ruby who was advising Legolas. Immediately, Talis and Legolas stopped swapping spit.  
  
  
  
"It's so adorable it's sickening!" laughed Ruby. Talis blushed scarlet and smote Ruby with the nearest object she could find, that being a rather large stick. Thus making Ruby even more screwed up than before.  
  
  
  
The Elves finished their watch and the watches were carried on through the night. As he fell asleep, Legolas muttered to himself. "One day down, two more to go." 


	2. The Insanity Still Lingers

Chapter Two: The Insanity Still Lingers  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine! Except for Talis.  
  
"Good morning, Legolas," Talis said with a yawn.  
  
Legolas slowly opened his eyes and realized that in his palm, laid the fair hand of Talis. How in the world did that happen? Blushing, he pulled his hand away and busied himself with packing his things. Talis didn't take any notice, at least, she wasn't showing it.  
  
It had been a long night. Every person who had a watch was constantly tormented by the sleep-talking Ruby who continuously muttered "I am a moo cow. I am a moo cow. I am a…" The unfortunate Frodo who slept beside her had been driven off the brink of insanity. He only sat, his pale face pointed skyward, his blue eyes staring blankly, and every once in a while twitching. The poor hobbit would have to be carried by Boromir until he came to his senses.  
  
As the others packed, Faramir and Ruby stood on a log and proceeded with singing and dancing "The Funky Chicken."  
  
"I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so kiss my butt!"  
  
Frodo started mumbling profanities under his breath. Words that were unheard of and unknown to anyone in Middle-earth caused nearby vegetation to wilt, and birds to fly away.  
  
Aragorn was surprised, and he narrowed his eyes at the cursing hobbit. "Stop that!"  
  
"Let it be known, that from this day, until the end of the day, vengeance will be mine! Ruby, you will not know the meaning of peace for I shall rain misery upon your mooing cow heart!" and with that said, Frodo fell silent to the great relief of the others. He carried on with staring blankly into the blue oblivion of the sky.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas involved himself in a conversation with Sam. He was avoiding Talis, being too embarrassed to even look at her, much less speak to her. He had not the slightest clue what her reaction was to the happenings of that night. He had made an excuse to use the little Elves' room and did not return until he was sure she was asleep.  
  
"Poor Mr. Frodo," Sam was saying. "I reckon I'll be having a word or two with Ruby once she's herself again."  
  
Legolas nodded, glancing uneasily at Talis, who was busy putting on her pack.  
  
Sam looked in that same direction. "Something wrong?"  
  
"No, no," Legolas said quickly, flashing a nervous smile.  
  
Sam arched a brow, suspicious. "All right. It looks like we ought to get packing, or Strider'll leave without us."  
  
  
  
The journey continued. After a while, Faramir and Ruby decided it was too quiet, and commenced to sing a song, Merry and Pippin joining in as well.  
  
"You gotta fight!" They stomped their feet twice. "For your right!" *STOMPSTOMP* "To paaaaart-ay!"  
  
"For the love of Lego—erm, Pete! will you shut up?!" Talis shouted.  
  
Ruby turned around to look at Talis, walking backwards. "It was you who disturbed my chap stick!" She pointed her finger accusingly at her, then tripped over a stick. "My spine!"  
  
Merry and Pippin pointed and laughed. Frodo twitched. "They are coming," he said softly.  
  
"Hmn?" Boromir looked over his shoulder at the deranged hobbit who rode on his back.  
  
"Sauron." He stopped. "Likes." He stopped again, this time a moment longer. "…Fluffy kittens. His armies of fluffy kittens will be the doom of us all!"  
  
"You silly gosling! You're the one who likes fluffy kittens!" laughed Faramir.  
  
"Silence, puny human mortal," Frodo, again, fell silent.  
  
"Queer chap, that lad is," Faramir said with a corny Scottish accent.  
  
"He doesn't deny it," Ruby said, giggling.  
  
"I like fluffy kittens," Gimli mumbled.  
  
"You do?" Faramir and Ruby asked, wide-eyed.  
  
"ON FIRE! Mwuhahahaha!" Gimli cackled.  
  
"Will you shut up?!" Aragorn snapped, growling under his breath.  
  
There was a minute of silence. "I like fluffy kittens, too," Ruby said all innocent-like. Aragorn hurled one of Sam's cooking pans at her. She nimbly dodged it. "What is it you have against the fluffy kittens?! They did nothing to you!"  
  
"They have done plenty, thank you," Aragorn said.  
  
"Explain. The peanut gallery is confused."  
  
"I refuse to speak of it."  
  
Legolas and Boromir snickered, being the only ones who knew of the night in Rivendell when Arwen's new kitten piddled, yes, piddled, on him, and then proceeded to try and gouge out his eyes with its claws.  
  
  
  
Ruby began to skip and frolic. She started to sing a song. Yes, the demented ones with head wounds enjoy to sing. Lots. "Spring is here! Spring is here!"  
  
Merry interrupted. "But it's winter!"  
  
"Shut up, I'm singing." Ruby continued. "Life is skittles and life is beer! I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring, I do. Don't you? 'Course ya do! But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me, and makes every Sunday a treat for me. Oh, the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park. Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me"—she grabbed Pippin by the arm and they frolicked together—"as we poison the pigeons in the park. When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide, but they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide. The sun's shining bright!" Suddenly, some clouds rolled in and it started to rain. "Everything seems all right"-- Merry sprained his ankle on a rather large rock—"when we're poisoning pigeons in the park!"  
  
At length they came to the Gates of Argonath, or the Pillars of the Kings. The trees parted and once again they caught sight of the Anduin. The river flowed through the chasm where on either side the ancient statues of Isildur and Anariòn. A rest was requested by them all.  
  
Ruby skipped over to the cliff's edge and looked up at the stone statue of Isildur. She giggled.  
  
The others looked at her, puzzlement crossing their faces.  
  
"I can see up his nose. Moldy boogers!"  
  
"Let me see!" Faramir ran over to join her. Once they got bored with the ancient King's nose content, they began to do-see-do.  
  
Aragorn finally cooled down and forgave Talis and Ruby for his front- cover-of-People-Magazine-worthy makeup job, and he agreed to carry the pack.  
  
  
  
Faramir decided to sing a song. He slapped his hand on his thigh in a steady beat, and began: "Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fare. And one could tell by how he walked that he drunk more than his share. He stumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet, and he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. Ring-ding-diddle- iddie-ly-di-o! Ring-di-diddle-ly-eh. He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.  
  
"About that time, two young and lovely girls just happened by. And one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye: 'See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built? I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!' Ring-ding-diddle-iddie-ly-di-o! Ring-di- diddle-ly-eh. 'I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.'  
  
"They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be. And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see. And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt, was nothing more than God has graced him with upon his birth! Ring-ding"—Boromir clamped a leather-gloved hand over his brother's mouth.  
  
"That will do, Faramir."  
  
They continued down the cliff side to yet another forested area, and there they set up camp for the night. But, Faramir's noise-making had attracted some unwanted attention, mainly that of the Uruk-hai. They were still quite a few leagues away, fortunately.  
  
Frodo wandered away from the camp. As he went about the forest, he ran into Boromir.  
  
"Hello, Frodo," he said as he picked up pieces of wood for a fire. Frodo stared at him, silent. "It would be best if you returned to camp, none of us should wander about alone, you least of all." Frodo looked apprehensive, and still did not speak. "I know why you seek solitude," Boromir said after a few moments. "You suffer. I see it day by day." Still, Frodo did not answer. "You do not have to suffer, Frodo. There are other paths that we may take."  
  
Frodo shook his head, taking a step back. Boromir felt a wave of anger swell up inside of him, and he threw down the pile of sticks he carried. "Why must you take this upon you?! Surely you want to rid yourself of It!"  
  
"You are not yourself. You say you speak words of wisdom, but for the warning in my heart.."  
  
Boromir glared at Frodo, an unknown wave of hatred and greed sweeping over him. "Warning? For what? It is folly to take It to Mordor! Folly! The Ring would be much safer in Gondor with my father," he growled. "If you would but lend me the Ring.."  
  
Frodo shook his head again, and started to walk swiftly in the opposite direction. But Boromir dived at him and grabbed his ankle, tripping him. The frightened hobbit slipped the Ring onto his finger, shoved Boromir away, and ran off.  
  
Boromir stood. "Frodo! I see how you are! You will betray us, and take the Ring to Sauron! Curse you, and all the Halflings! You will be the death of us all!" he yelled. He took a step forward and tripped, falling flat on his face. Suddenly the greed, anger, and hatred left him, and he began to weep. "Frodo!" he called. "Frodo, come back! I'm sorry! Frodo!"  
  
But the hobbit was long gone. 


	3. Reality Smacks Them in the Face

Chapter Three: Reality Smacks Them in the Face  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for Talis! Leave me alooone. And don't sue me. Please.  
  
Author's notes: Yes, I'm going to spoil it, but I'm not going to kill Boromir in this. ^-^ I just love him too much! *weeps* And, anyhow, you've all heard this part told over and over again, so why not change it up? Any objections? …Too bad. And I just realized Mablung and Damrod have barely been mentioned at all after the fire department incident.. Does anyone really care? *cricket chirp* Thought so.  
  
  
  
"My pony and I just can't wait. To pick you up on our very first date. Is it cool if I hold your hand? Am I right if I think it's cool to dance? Do you like my stupid hair? Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear? I'm just scared of what you think. You make me nervous so I really can't eat. Let's go. Don't wait. The night's almost over. Honest, let's make this night last forever," Sam, yes, Samwise Gamgee of the Shire, son of Hamfast, lover of Rosie Cotton, a sane one, sang. Pippin and Merry laughed cheerily, nudging Sam with their elbows and joking about him and Rosie.  
  
Meanwhile, Faramir was telling Ruby of his encounters with enemies of Gondor. His "war stories."  
  
"And then, there we were, just the ten of us, surrounded by those damn dirty apes, those Germans¹, in the field, with only two grenades. Only two! And then we ended up dropping those in a nearby creek." Faramir paused and looked away to spit out a wad of phlegm. "And do you know what happened?"  
  
Ruby shook her head, her bright eyes were wide with amazement like a little hobbit child hearing one of Bilbo's stories.  
  
"We ran like headless chickens!" Faramir and Ruby toppled over with laughter.  
  
There was a long pause of stillness. Out of the blue, Ruby stated, "Anyway, about Elrond's pimp mastery.."  
  
Everyone blinked at her.  
  
"…Where's Frodo?" asked Merry, noticing that his pack was left unattended.  
  
"Huh?" Gimli asked as he looked around. He had been going on about the wonders of Emyn Muil and the other pretty things they were to encounter on the way to Mordor. But mostly he spoke of the "FLAAAME!" in Mount Doom, despite the fact he had never seen it before.  
  
"Boromir is gone, too," Talis remarked.  
  
"Maybe they went to piddle on a bush," Ruby put in.  
  
"They would have told us if they had gone to do that," said Legolas. "We must find them."  
  
Sam perked up at the news of his missing master. Immediately, he rose and dashed off into the woods. The others, most of them having at least half a brain working, got the idea and followed in the same manner.  
  
Faramir cried out, "I am NOT leaving until there's a mosh pit!"  
  
"Too bad, dipstick," said Ruby, grabbing him by the sleeve and dragging him after the others.  
  
  
  
Frodo fell from the Seat of Hearing on Amon Lhaw's peak and lay flat on his back. He had seen many things in the Ring's vision, images of Minas Tirith, Barad-dûr, and even the Lidless Eye. Terrified and breathing heavily, he stood and saw Aragorn standing before him.  
  
"Frodo!" he said, and Frodo jumped with a start. "Where is the Ring?"  
  
"Stay back!" Frodo cried in fright.  
  
Aragorn noticed the hobbit's fear. "I swore to protect you," he said carefully, trying to comfort his upset friend.  
  
Frodo, still shaken from his vision and the encounter with Boromir, replied, "Can you protect me from yourself?" He raised his up turned palm holding the Ring, as though testing Aragorn. The man stepped closer and clasped the hobbit's fingers about he Ring, holding his hands and kneeling down. The path that Frodo had to take was obvious, and that was to carry his burden alone. "I would have followed you into the fires of Mount Doom."  
  
"I know, and I thank you." But Aragorn's eyes were fixed on Sting's sheath, and Frodo drew it. There was a soft, blue glow coming from the Elven blade. Aragorn stood, drawing Andúril.  
  
"Go, Frodo. You must run." Frodo hesitated, and Aragorn said again sternly, "Go! Run!" Summoning all of his courage, Frodo left Aragorn, son of Arathorn, to fight the Uruk-hai alone.  
  
  
  
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the president!" wailed Faramir and Ruby as they ran around in triangles. The trio had stopped their search in a small clearing of the trees.  
  
"Keep it down!" Talis snapped. "Do you want us to be captured?"  
  
"Yes. Waitaminute… no," both of the loonies said.  
  
"Something is happening," Talis murmured. "I can feel it."  
  
"I'm on bikini patrol," said Faramir, his 128th stupid comment of the day.  
  
  
  
The bow of Lórien was singing. The dwarf's axe was glistening in the sparse light of the mid-afternoon sun. Andúril, the sword that was reforged, sparked as it clashed over and over again against the Orcs' swords, shields, and armor. Suddenly, the sound of a horn rang throughout the forest.  
  
"The Horn of Gondor!" Legolas breathed. Aragorn took off toward the sound for it was Boromir who was in dire need of assistance. Legolas and Gimli stayed put to slay the remaining Orcs.  
  
  
  
And, indeed, Boromir was in a bit of a pickle. Orcs were attacking Merry and Pippin, and the Man of Gondor was fighting to save them. Many Orcs did he slay, but unexpectedly an orc-archer let an arrow fly that struck him in the leg. He cried out in pain and all of the fighting seemed to stop for an instant. Gasping for breath, Boromir continued to hack and slice at the oncoming onslaught of the Uruk-hai.  
  
By this time Talis, Faramir, and Ruby came forth from the trees and into the clearing. But they were too late. Another arrow was now protruding from right above Boromir's elbow. He could not endure the pain any longer and sank to his knees. The outraged Merry and Pippin unsheathed their weapons and charged, but they were overtaken and carried off, unharmed. Aragorn leaped off a small ledge and made his appearance, about five minutes too late.  
  
Ruby and Faramir watched as Talis and Aragorn ran to Boromir's side. They were stunned from the events of the past few minutes. It seemed as though all the sanity and awareness of the importance of their missions that had seeped out of their heads when they were injured had rapidly been sucked back in.  
  
Boromir's breathing was steadily slowing. His eyes stayed closed, and his face was ghostly white. His pale skin was cold to the touch and he tended to jerk suddenly, crying out as though he were experiencing a nightmare that would not end.  
  
"The poison has gotten to him at an alarming rate," said Aragorn, distressed.  
  
"Yes," Talis agreed. "If only Ruby was herself.. She was taught the skill of healing by one of Gandalf's spell books he lent her."  
  
"I suppose that explains the color in my hair. It surprises me that she did not turn me into a toad," Aragorn mumbled. Louder, he added, "A hobbit that understands magic?"  
  
Talis nodded. "It certainly is peculiar." Boromir let out another soft cry of pain that wretched their attention away from Ruby and back to his needs.  
  
"Not as peculiar as an Elf, or a wanna-be king with green hair," Ruby said smugly as she knelt down to inspect Boromir's condition.  
  
Aragorn and Talis stared at one another in a mixture of surprise and annoyance. Finally, no more insane comments from the already mentally unstable hobbit.  
  
"I've got everything under control. You two meat heads can go find the other losers, or comfort the dingo over there," Ruby said without looking up, busy with trying to tend to Boromir's injuries.  
  
Talis spun about and saw that behind her stood Faramir, and he was silently weeping for his fallen brother.  
  
"You know, Ruby, I am quite capable of saving"—Aragorn began.  
  
"Shut up. I'm trying to save a life here. And, you know what? You can't get all the glory!" Ruby barked, waving a hand. "Shoo!"  
  
Aragorn scowled and stomped off. Talis embraced Faramir, trying to comfort him in any way possible. In time Legolas and Gimli made the scene.  
  
"I have asked this already once, and I shall ask it again: In the name of squishy toilet paper, what the fook is going on here?!" Legolas cried.  
  
"Can we cremate him? Can we cremate him?" asked Gimli as he danced about.  
  
"Maybe we will kill and cremate YOU!" shouted Talis, angry and annoyed at Gimli for making such an offending comment. The entire Company was very fond of Boromir, and they didn't appreciate Gimli's obnoxiousness one bit.  
  
Ruby stood and dusted her hands off. "My work here is done!" she said in a heroic voice. "Now it's off to find The Twerp and his side kick Squibbles." At that moment, everyone realized that Frodo and Sam were in fact missing. Legolas' question remained unanswered.  
  
"Boromir's going to stay asleep for another few minutes. I elect Talis to stay and look after him. Back to the campsite! I'm sure Frodo and Sam must be there. I bet my cotton socks on it," Ruby said as she ran off without another word.  
  
  
  
"But, Sam, I'm going to Mordor alone."  
  
"Of course you are, Mr. Frodo. And I'm coming with you."  
  
And it was about that time, when Frodo and Sam, or more commonly known as The Twerp and Squibbles, were about to set off for Mordor, when Ruby came running out of the forest and to the lake's edge.  
  
"Where do you think you two are going?! Hawaii?!" Ruby yelled.  
  
"Let them go, Ruby," Aragorn said quietly as he tied a pressure bandage around his arm. "Their burden is no longer our concern."  
  
"Then what do you suppose we do now?" asked Ruby, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
"We will go after Merry and Pippin. The Fellowship is breaking, but not as long as we stay true to each other."  
  
Talis, Boromir, and Faramir came to join them. Boromir was lightheaded, and a bit unsteady on his feet, but otherwise all right. His shirt and pants were drenched with blood from the wounds.  
  
"Leave everything that can be spared. It is time to hunt some Orcs," Aragorn smiled faintly.  
  
"FLAAAME!" cried Gimli, as though it were some kind of war cry.  
  
Legolas smirked, and nodded.  
  
"Wait, what? I don't want to go anywhere!" Ruby wailed.  
  
" I have found Boromir, and have no wish to travel with you hooligans any longer," said Faramir.  
  
"I feel sick," Talis moaned.  
  
"So, screw you guys, we're going shopping!" Ruby said, giggling.  
  
"Yes. Good luck to all of you," Talis nodded to each of them.  
  
"May the good fortune of Gondor be with you!" said both Faramir and Boromir.  
  
"Shut up. May the Force be with you, live long and prosper, and all that garbage. Now get out of here and save my Pippin-buddy!" Ruby said, shoving the three back into the forest.  
  
And so ends the story of The Fellowship. As for Boromir, Faramir, Ruby, and Talis, they found a mall in the middle of the forest and bought many, many things. Mainly socks. And new shorts for Frodo and Sam, since their current ones are "so last season," according to Ruby. They got a plethora of shirts from Hot Topic for Aragorn, new undies for Legolas and Gimli, and Pippin and Merry were bought gifts of bacon and tomato (in that order) pajamas. From the mall, they returned to Rivendell to pray and hope their companions would return. We all know what happens from there, eh?  
  
And they all lived happily ever after. The End.  
  
  
  
¹ He's talking about WWII, I mean no offense to anyone. Please don't hurt me. 


End file.
